Saturday, November 12, 2005

The Best of GSWF...Installment One

This was the last GSWF story I'd been working on for awhile. I'll give you guys what I have so far...

Announcer: "Smackdown Plus will not be seen tonight so we may bring you the following special."

(cue GSWF logo)
(roll highlight package)
Jim Ross: "For fifty years, fans have been entertained by the theatrics of the Game Show Wrestling Federation. The federation has had its ups and downs, its triumphs and tragedies, and the occasional gaffe by the announcers, but through it all, the promotion developed into the phenomena it is today. Join us as we take a look at the Best of the GSWF."
(cue old RAW theme, along with various highlights. Fade in on JR and Jerry in TV studio with a small audience clapping)

JR: "Welcome to the Best of the GSWF! Over the next few hours we'll take a look at some of the best the GSWF had to offer. The stars, the villains, the memorable storylines and matches that made the GSWF into what it is today. Right, King?"
Jerry: "That's right JR! And, I've heard rumors some GSWF superstars may be appearing tonight to reminisce!"
JR: "That sounds neat, King! We'll start the show with a look at the beginning of an era, after these ads."


JR: "And we're back with the Best of the GSWF. Tonight, we plan on taking a look at the history of the GSWF, some of the most memorable moments, and the All Time Top Ten Matches as chosen by the experts. Our first segment takes a look at the history of the GSWF."
(fade in on reels)
Bill: "The GSWF was born in 1951, a collaboration between the brains of Goodson/Todman and Barry/Enright. Their popular personalities from such shows as What's My Line?, What's Going On?, and Who Were the Geniuses That Came Up With What's Going On? became involved in simple grappling matches. As the GSWF rolled into the '60s, more and more people joined, from such stables as Ralph Edwards', Heatter-Quigley's, and the dreaded Syndication Stable."
JR: "The GSWF hit its stride by 1975, as Hatos-Hall joined the fray, and the GSWF as we know it today became a smash. Unfortunately, as the 80s arrived, Rock And Wrestling became the popular thing. The GSWF creators needed something to give the federation fresh legs. And fresh legs they did get. When we return, the memorable moments past and present! And later, the Top Ten Matches of All-Time."

A note from the promoters: suggestions for upcoming matches are always welcomed.Few rules, though:

1) Absolutely NO anime or fictional game show characters allowed. This rule is strongly enforced.
2) It'd help to read the other GSWF stories.
3) I make the final review, and put it to form myself.

The GSWF....wasting your mind for 52 years!!
(commercials end)

JR: "And welcome back to the Best of the GSWF special! In the next half-hour, you're in for a treat...some of the most memorable moments in GSWF history, as chosen by you, the fans! Jerry, go over to the big old drum and pull out one!"
(Jerry walks over to raffle drawing-like drum and grabs a piece of paper)
Bill: "While he's doing that, I'll talk about my favorite first title reign, back in the heyday of IGAS. It was a really big thing then, to have a panelist as GSWF champ rather than a host. Held the belt for about a year. After that, I had another long reign, but my main forte was on a tag team with Henry Morgan."
JR: "That it was, and oh, here's Jerry."
Jerry: "This first one comes from Houston, and the person writes, 'my favorite GSWF moment was when Bob Barker won the Royal Hell Rumble of 1970.' I remember that! Here's the clip from 1970. Your announcers are some guy we dragged out of the audience and a doped up Jaye P. Morgan, and the match took place in Bill's garage."

(roll clip)
Some Guy: "And now it's down to three, Allen Ludden, the rookie Bob Eubanks, and Bob Barker. Here's Eubanks with an irish whip on Barker---and he's knocked Ludden out of the ring! (crowd stands up and begins to cheer) Eubanks picks up Barker---and gives him the Newlywedow's Peak! Yeow!"
Jaye P.: "Hey, you wanna go back to my place?" (passes out)
Some Guy: "And Eubanks picks him up again---but gets a low blow! (fans cheer and boo) Barker goes under the third rope, and what's he getting? Oh my God, it's Beulah! (Bob B. carries the clock into the ring and begins to whale on Bob E.) Talk about beating the clock!"

Barker: (while hitting Bob E.) "You certainly don't tell the truth, so now it's time to---"
(Barker hits Eubanks so hard he goes over the top rope. Ref signals for bell.)
Ref: "And your winner....Bob Barker!"
(guy in corner of garage plays TOC theme on organ as fans continue to give mixed cheers)
(end clip)

JR: "And that was the first of many confrontations between the two Bobs. While you saw that clip, Bill retrieved another viewer moment."Bill: "And this one's from Iowa. She writes, 'I loved it when the game show hosts took on RosieLouZilla. It all started when Louie Anderson was knocked out backstage by Richard Dawson. Just when the majority of the locker room thought they were safe.....'"

(roll clip with Rosie O'Donnell entering)
Rosie: "I get to host the Survivor Reunion, nanny nanny poopoo!"
Alex Trebek: "Dammit Rosie, shut the hell up. You ruin our genre with you constant coddling of losers on shows."
Other hosts: "Yeah!"
Rosie: "Oh yeah? I'll teach you that I am the queen of all daytime, even your pathetic genre!"
(looks at Louie Anderson's prone form and starts chanting)
Pat Sajak: "Oh my God..."
Regis Philbin: "This does not look good."
(slowly Louie's body is magically lifted near Rosie! Then there's a flash of light, and standing before the hosts is a hideous, ugly monster with buck teeth.)

Monster: "Koooooosh Balls! Dooooooonuts!"
Monty Hall: "Oh, sh(cuckoo!)"
(hosts scream)
Tom Bergeron: "We're all gonna die!"
Tom Kennedy: "We gotta get out of here!"
(clips continue as Bill continues speaking)
Bill: "That's right, it was RosieLouZilla in the flesh! The emcees were flipping out."
Tom B.: "Come on, Monty! Find the chant for big fat monsters!"
Monty: "Shut up! I'm trying, I'm trying!"
Richard Dawson: "It's too late! It's leaving the arena!"
Regis: "It's headed toward Encino!"
(hosts scream again)
Tom K.: "Well, let's stop screaming and breathe a sigh of relief!"
Alex: "What do you mean? RosieLouZilla is going to cause a path of destruction as long as the San Andreas Fault!"
Monty: "Oh, crap! There is no chant for big fat monsters!"
Tom B.: "So what are we going to do?"
Richard: "First, we wake up Sajak, then we stay here and wait to see if The Blank comes."
Regis: "But it's headed towards Encino!"
Richard: "Oh, double hamburgers. Ready, everybody? Scream!"

(end clip as Bill continues)
Bill: "It just happened to be the night Gene Rayburn had the night off, spending a night at the Encino Motel with his wife. But, there's never a night off in the GSWF, as the Idiot Pitchfolk had been sent after him. There was a fight, and nobody was paying attention to the TV..."

(yet another clip)
TV Anchorman: "This is a special report! A giant donut obsessed Koosh ball flinging monster is headed for Encino. According to witnesses, the monster looks like a hybrid between Louie Anderson and Rosie O'Donnell. We're all doomed."
Rolf Benirschke: "And guess where he's going to head!"
Bill: "Several hosts had the 'night off' as well, and were enjoying a Peter Marshall performance at the Super 8."

(cut to the Super 8 Lounge, where the TV is also playing. Everyone just looks)Chuck Woolery: "Great, the night we get off from wrestling, and this crap happens!"
Jim Peck: "Man! And we didn't get to hear 'The Silly Song'!"
(end clip)

Bill: "Either way, Gene took out the ad persons, and got the hell out of Encino, along with Helen, Rolf the employee, and the GSWF Cameraman. But, anything can and usually does happen in the GSWF, and what happened next was wild beyond imagination."
(roll longassed clip)

(fade in on California freeway, where people are running and driving as if it was a Godzilla movie)
(people continue screaming as the monster ambles down the freeway)

Regis: "Is he gone?"
Alex: "I, I think so!"
Monty: "We can only stand here and pray it doesn't destroy California."
Both Toms: "You don't say!"
Ray Combs: "Wake up, fool!" (kicks Sajak in the stomach. Sajak wakes up)
Pat: "Isss---is it gone?"
Richard: "Good news, yes. Bad news, it got loose."
Pat: "Oh, okay..."
(end clip)

Bill: "Everybody made it out OK, though. Thanks to Rolf Benirschke, who sacrficed himself to become Rosie food, the monster choked to death and took out part of the interstate. All other emcees were safe, including Louie who as it turned out wan't really dead."
JR: "Damn straight. When we return, more memorable moment, and the GSWF Top Ten!"
(fade out)

(ads end)
JR: "Welcome back to our Best of the GSWF special! Later, the Top Ten Matches of All Time! But we have several more 'memorable moments' to show you. Of course, there's been so many memorable moments, we can't cram them all here."
Jerry: "Like the Survivor Series match between the Press Your Luck Justice League and the GSNWO?"
Bill: "And the first time Betty White tore off her top?"
Jerry: "Hell in a Cell Redux with Art Fleming vs. Alex Trebek?"
JR: "No, I think that was John Daly vs. Wally Bruner with Larry Blyden as Enforcer of Doom. Didn't Bennett Cerf somehow win?"
Bill: "And we can't forget the Elimination Chamber Epic!"
Jerry: "Or Armageddon Matches One and Two!"

JR: "OK, we get the point. Either way, we have more viewer favorites, like this one from LA....'remember the time they tried having a Thanksgiving Day feast, only it turned out to be one of those cliched WWF food fights?' Shame the camera got destroyed when Bill here flung gravy on it."
Bill: "How many times have I told you, it was an accident! But, here's a request from Chicago that also can't air; 'Dear GSWF, please show the Rebus on a Pole Match.' Turns out NBC owns it."
Jerry: "Here's a letter from Boston; 'Who won that Capture the Chuck Barris Midget match that aired last week? It was funny as hell.' Guess what, Boston viewer, here's that match in its entirety, featuring Richard Dawson and Rip Taylor!"

(roll clip from GSWF Title Tournament of Doom. Gene Wood is standing next to Johnny Olsen in the ring, holding the mic)
Johnny: "The next match will feature a guest announcer. Take it away, Wood!"
(opening FF '76 music plays)
Wood: "It's time to play GAME SHOW HOST FEUD! Mister Dollar Ninety-eight, Rip Taylor, READY FOR ACTION!"
($1.98BS theme plays as Rip prances down the aisle, whipping his bag of confetti all over the place.)
JR: "A lot of people were surprised when Rip was one of the guys involved in this tournament."
Bill: "Especially considering that the show he hosted wasn't necessarily a game show, but a fan was standing outside the arena with a pitchfork if we dissed it."
(Rip enters ring)

Wood: "He's against the original host of the Feud, Richard Dawson!"
(females scream as Dickie walks the aisle)
Jerry: "Why can't I get that reaction with women? Aggh!"
Wood: "Let's start the next GSWF TOURNAMENT MATCH!" (Feud '76 music plays) And here's the special guest referee of this match, RAY COMBS!"
(loud cheers as Ray in ref's shirt and tie enters the ring)

Ray: "Rip, you are the challenger in this, and you have the option to spin the wheel or pass to Dawson."
Rip: "Oh ho ho, I think I'll play, Raysie!"
Ray: "Don't call me that, or I'll DQ you! Lower the Wheel!"
(Gimmick Wheel is lowered)

JR: "Here we go!"
(Rip gives the Wheel a hard spin. It goes around several times)
Ray: "And it's going to land on....CAPTURE THE CHUCK BARRIS MIDGET!"
(crowd roars)
JR: "Oh my God! This match! It was brought out of storage for the tournament tonight, and just our luck, we're going to deliver, unlike that other piddly wrestling company."
Jerry: "Is it a female?"
Bill: "For those of you you haven't seen this match before, it's simple. We let loose the Chuck Barris Midget, and the first guy to capture him and put him in one of these cages we stole from GSN Gladiators advances."
JR: "But don't think it's gonna be easy!"

Ray: "Richard, since you didn't spin, what cage do you want to use for the match? We have orange and we have yellow."
Richard: "Our survey SAID! I'll just go with yellow."
Ray: "OK, you have to put the midget in the yellow cage in this corner, Rip has the orange cage in the opposite corner. Release the midget, Hardcore Champion!"
Gene, the Dancing Machine, aka GSWF Hardcore Champ: "Ya got it!"
(he opens the cage and lets the midget out in the ring. Bell dings. Rip starts slapping Richard.)

JR: "This is going to be an interesting match here. You know, Bill, are you looking forward to B2?"
Bill: "The Burger/Eubanks match? I don't give a whoopie."
Jerry: "You're looking forward to B3, though! The big Moore/Morgan match!"
Bill: "Now THAT's one I'm eagerly looking forward to."
(meanwhile, Richard is down on the mat after a Rip beatdown. Rip starts celebrating and goes to grab the midget. Ray monitors the action. The midget runs under Ray's legs, and Rip bowls him over. Ray is knocked senseless.)
JR: "Now why did that have to happen?"

(crowd starts roaring as they look to the entrance)
Bill: "Wait, who's that lady in the crowd here!"
Lady: "Hey, Rip, check these out!"
Jerry: "It's a $1.98 Beauty! Aggh!"
(the Beauty flashes Rip and the midget. Rip and the midget stand googly eyed. Dawson gets up and sees the woman. All of a sudden..)
Richard: "GRETCHEN?"
JR and Bill: "WHATTTT?"
Gretchen: (screaming) "GET THE MIDGET, YOU FOOL!"
(Richard gives Rip the Stone Cold Stunner, just as Ray begins to get up. Richard then goes over, grabs the midget, and walks to the cage. Dawson trips over Combs, and the midget goes flying out of the ring----right onto Gretchen.)

JR: "OH MY! This match just seems to get more and more out of control!"
(Gretchen, not panicking, climbs over the barrier, chucks the midget at Richard. Richard takes advantage, and puts the midget in the cage. Ray is up, sees Rip out on the mat, and the midget in the yellow cage.)
Ray: "Ring the bell! Our survey says Richard Dawson wins!"
(bell rings, Fast Money win cue plays)
JR: "And Dawson goes on to face Vanna White in the second round! Wow!"
(Gretchen enters and celebrates with her hubby. As they leave, the midget is released, and he runs over to Rip.)

Rip: "Oh, shoot, I lost the match! Cue the music!"
(Milt DeLugg cues up the orchestra)
Rip, singing (to tune of $1.98 Beauty Queen Anthem):
"I lost the match,
He kicked my blank,
I don't advance
No dollar ninety-eeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt
He rang my bell,
He cleaned my clock
Well, I have to say
He took me for what I got!
His lovely wife
Showed me her bust
That's what I get
I got no truuuuuussssstttttttt!
So no belt for me,
Guess I won't be a staaaaaaarrrrr
Hey Jaye P. Morgan
I wonder wheeeerrrrreeee
Wonder where you arrrrrreeeee!"
(crowd claps as Rip and Midget leave)
(clip ends. Fade back in on hysterical audience)

JR: "That was interesting, to say the least? Speaking of, that same night featured some great matches, including Bashword Plus..."
(clip of Alex Trebek, Allen Ludden, and Paul Lynde with partners Kennedy and Mark Walberg plays)
Johnny O., in hushed voice: "The password is 'you.'" (ding!)
Allen: "And we'll start with Alex."
Alex: "Me." (Illegal clue buzzer plays)
Allen: "Apparently you're quite stupid when it comes to playing game shows! That was a blatant opposite here. Paul, you get the option to guess the word or to beat the crap out of-----"
(Paul goes at Trebek, engaging in of all things, a catfight. The two go at it around the ring. Allen just stands there.)

JR: "Or Dr. Phil getting the crap beaten out of him, not by David Letterman, but....:
(clip of Dr. Phil Pinata match with Gene Rayburn)
Dr. Phil: "I want to be Miss America!"
Gene: "Shut up, dingbat!" (hits Dr. Phil)
Dr. Phil: "I've had a vasectomy and I've had it reversed!"
Gene: "I told you to shut up, now shut up!" (strikes Dr. Phil again)
Dr. Phil: "Let's just spank her ass!"
Gene: "Shut up already!" (hits Dr. Phil again)
Dr. Phil: "You want a piece of me, lady?"
(this pisses Gene off. He sets loose a flurry of attacks on Dr. Phil. About five minutes later, Dr. Phil is a bloody pulp....and on the ring floor)

JR: "If that wasn't bizarre enough, there was Showcase Smackdown, which if you're lucky, made the Top Ten. And I can't forget Hard Ten, the Inferno Match, or the banned Chainsaw Match!"
Jerry: "And the reuniting of the Goody-Toddy Boyz! That was great, Bill! And you helped the Blankmaster finally win the belt!"
Bill: "Yeah, that was great. But, here's the dawn of the G-T Boyz. Bob Barker just got cheated out of a win by Jack Narz, and the Barry-Enright-Kline Evolution were ready for a beatdown."

(roll clip, where Jack and Wink are setting Bob up for a spike piledriver.)
JR: "And it's not looking good for----hey, what's Allen Ludden doing here?"
(Allen storms the ring and Lou Thesz Presses Wink, pummeling away)
Jerry: "I don't believe it! And who's that? Agggh! It's Bill Cullen!"
(Bill, in the ring, gives Joe Gariagiola a kick to the goolies with his good leg)
JR: "That's two of Bob's Goodson-Todman cronies...and----BERT CONVY!"
(Bert assists Bill and gives Pat Finn a Banana Bomb, but the others are still too much)
Jerry: "Bob Barker has time to recover, and he's gotten up! Another blow by Narz, and he's keeled over....and! Now look, here's Gene Rayburn, come to join in the fun!"
(Gene gives Bob an assist. Richard Dawson, Gene's protege at the time, joins in the madness as well, until Narz, Martindale, and the six G-T hosts remain)

JR: "Narz backs up...into Dawson!"
Richard: "Survey SAYS----eat this!" (gives Narz a Stone Cold Stunner)
Allen: "Play, or pass?"
Narz: "Pass! Pass!"
(Allen gives Wink the Last Ride. Bill gives him another swift kick)
JR: "Yeow! Wink Martindale's out cold!"
Gene: "All right, Jack! Would you like A or B?"
Narz: "B, (cuckoo)hole!"
(Gene punches him. Narz staggers over to Bob)
Bob: "And the actual retail price of your medical bill is---(gives an RKO, aka Double Overbid, to Narz)A LOT!"
(fans cheer as the six hosts shake hands, clip ends)

JR: "And that's not all of the G-T Boyz clips you'll see! We've got a whole damn segment of them next!"
(roll ads)

(cue GSN janitor cleaning out closet and finding tape)
Janitor: "Hey, what the hell is this? Best of the GSWF, the stuff the damn writer's finally updated after roughly a year. Let me pop this thingie in."
(puts tape in VCR. Like magic, JR, Jerry and Bill appear)
JR: "Hey, we're back to Best of the GSWF! The booker's Dewed up and raring to go to finish this long-awaited (hah!) special!"
Bill: "That's right. We're highlighting some of the highlights of the 52-year history of the GSWF, along with the Top Ten Matches as selected by you the fans."
Jerry: "And Puppies! AGGH!"
JR: "That's right. Before our pretty damn long commercial break, we promised a highlight package featuring The Four Horsemen of the GSWF, aka the Goody-Toddy Boyz. They got together one crazy 70s evening to help out Bob Barker exact some payback on the Barry/Enright/Kline Evolution. After that night, the G-T Boyz were able to wrest some, but not all, control Evolution had over the GSWF. Their shining moment came when Bob Barker got a title shot against then-champ Wink Martindale."

(roll clip. Allen Ludden and Jack Barry are outside the ring)
JR: "Here we are, the title match live from the men's room at Newberry's! The referee has rung the bell, and we're on!"
Jerry: "There's a lot of animosity between these two groups. The odds definitely favor Evolution, due to the fact their style is pretty much the same, compared to the different personas of the G-T boys! There's a dragon snap on Barker, and obviously Wink's off to a good start."
JR: "Yeah, but remember that six heads are better than one. Bob reloads with a Neuterbomb! He's already attempting a cover, but Wink's up after one. We've already had an interesting night, bras have flown and expensive Fortune 500 suits have been torn. Wink levels another dragon snap, and he's now locked in the dreaded Dragon Death Lock! And now he's using Jack for help! That's not right!"
Jerry: "That's where you're wrong! These Evolution boys will do anything to ensure victory---"

(as Bob's about to submit, Allen runs over and clocks Jack with a deck of Password Plus clueholders. Fans spill beer in delight)
JR: "And Allen Ludden turns the tide! Now here comes Pat Finn! It's three on two....and here comes Bert Convy! Ringside rumble....wait, what's that? Wink has grabbed the belt while the ref's not looking. Oh God, no!"
(Wink clocks Bob with the belt as the ref tries breaking up the ringside melee. Wink goes over to ref, who's sent the brawling emcees to the back)
Jerry: "See, Evolution always has the upper hand! Bob just went OVER in this title showcase!"
JR: "And Wink's got the ref's attention. Here it is; one, two---"

(Richard Dawson storms the place just as the ref begins making his count, climbs the ringpost, and does a Shooting Star on the ref)
Richard: "Your *cuckoo!* is mine, Winker!"
(Dawson unleashes 100 Fists of Fury on Wink. By this time Barker has recovered long enough to get up and....)
JR: "DOUBLE OVERBID! Dawson's run over to wake up the ref...Bob's made the cover, and here we go..."
(the ref doesn't notice Dawson heading for the exit)
Referee and Fans: "ONE! TWO! THREE!"
(ref signals for bell. The fans go nuts as TPiR theme plays.)

Johnny O.: "Your winner and NEW GSWF Champion, Bob Barker!"
(referee gives Bob the belt. Bob summons his Beauties to the ring for the party)(clip ends)
Bill: "That was classic. Bob was able to finally become a hit with GSWF fans after that match. Of course, there was the legendary Encino Blindfold Match. You can find that on the Playboy Channel after our show. My personal favorite match of the G-T Boyz era was when Richard Dawson finally broke loose of his mentor's shadow to win the IC Belt against Bob Eubanks."

(roll clip. Instead of wrestling, however, JR and Jerry are joined by Gene Rayburn in broadcast booth)
JR: "So this is Richard's coming out match. How does it feel seeing the breakout star of Match Game in his first major title match?"
Gene: "Pretty cool, Jim! As a former Intercontinental Champ, this belt gives you a pretty good start to a good solo career."
JR: "Of course that was a memorable run you had, after the Elimination Chamber Challenge you went through to get it. The fans were not exactly receptive towards a slightly wild game show host at that time, and to have one as champ isn't exactly popular. But you changed that."
(end clip)
JR: "And we do have that match, to be shown, later on! But first, commercials, but for how long? Anyways, whenever the booker does it, we'll get a response to a survey of 100 GSWF fans on their favorite moments!"

...for what it's worth, Installment Two features the survey, and the beginning of the Top Ten Countdown.


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